"Vagional and Body Secretions of the East"

"Vaginal and Body Secretions of the East", my thoughts often turn to how fine the women are and how they smell. And then I don't feel like eating dinner, what the hell.  In my day I've smelled fishy cunts, skunky cunts, yeasty cunts, pissy cunts, sweaty cunts...too many cunts, probably. I've inhaled membrane-withering lungfuls of toxic twatfumes from vaginas that looked like rats dipped in Vaseline. I've borne witness to a stomach-pumping surfeit of swollen, bloody, scabby, mucus-spewing snatches. Too much oozing, malodorous cunt caviar, too many hairy hornet's nests of chickstink. And yet the self-appointed voices of reason assure me that "once you get past the smell, you've got it licked." How the fuck do you get past the smell?

Although the estrus-crazed arbiters of politeness would have us believe it's only a misogynistic myth, the existence of rank-smelling females seems to be a staple of all cultures' folklore. Most world religions-and rightly so-espouse some notion of women as "unclean." When angered, a foul-mouthed Chinaman is likely to yelp, "Tiu nia ma chow hai!" ("Fuck your mom's smelly cunt!") at anyone within earshot of his eggroll stand. Reflecting the same sort of vaginal ageism, the French have observed, "Les conasses des femmes âgeé avez une odeur mauvaise." ("Old ladies' cunts stink.")

And though it's not considered polite conversation amid mixed company, most of us are aware of the distasteful folkloric scuttlebutt surrounding repugnant vaginal aromas.  As a child, you most likely heard the cruel schoolyard jibes about "hot tuna." You've probably also groaned at the juvenile proverb which states that there are two things in this world that smell like fish, one of them being fish. You may have even encountered the puerile poem about the "seven wise men" who created the vagina: "Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell/He threw in a fish and gave it a smell." Even pudendal pseudonyms such as "the bearded oyster" hint at some level of olfactory displeasure.

From what I've been told, some men actually like the smell. Some men enjoy watching their corn-kerneled shit swirl down the toilet, too.  Some men like having their scrotal sacs nailed to sheetrock-what's your point? Ooh, that smell. The first thing you're likely to sniff in this wretched life is a deep, sobbing lungful of your mother's afterbirth, yet that memory is usually too distant and traumatic to ever have a hope of salvaging.  But after one passes the Age of Reason, you aren't likely to forget the full-frontal face-slap of a rancid pussy, even after extensive psychotherapy. And, if you're like me, your first indelible whiff of it came via an older friend's manual digit in the eternal tradition of "Hey, man, smell my finger." Now isn’t that some stinky shit.

But perhaps the worst pussy I ever had the displeasure of smelling was attached to an alarmingly overweight woman of  South central, extraction with whom I shacked up during a period when my self-esteem was dangerously low. Once you got past the rolls and rolls of stretchmarked hog fat, there lay her bedraggled pussy, crowned with a sparse reddish thorn bush. Her cunt looked like a fat slice of ham swimming in white gravy. Her crotch was a boiling fumarole of noxious emissions, a stinking puddle of snatch-slop. Her discharges were colored a sickly silver, with the gloppy consistency of herring sauce. The smells which emerged from between her bloated, floppy legs ranged from rotted onion to burnt crab to odors which were so fetid, I must force myself to stop thinking of them lest I scream.  But I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea.  It's not my intent to have you believe that ALL women stink.  No, I've encountered clean cunts before. In fact, I'm married to one.

Almost a decade ago, the skanky pussies disappeared into my nightmares like the cheap R Rated-movie monsters they were. I met a woman of Hebraic ancestry whose nether regions bore no stomach-souring smells. I promptly wed her. Ten years of fish-free connubial bliss. Our secret to a successful marriage? No vaginal odor. Her cunt smells about the same as my wrist-not at all. She was born with the Unscented brand of pussy. The li'l Jewgirl's got good bacteria. I'm blessed.

But, being the civic-minded feller I am, I started to worry about the other pussies-the less-fortunate ones. What about them? Why do some gals stink, while others remain odor--free--free, indeed, to laugh, to love, to cuddle?

I'm a man who sees a problem with Pussies across America--a man who wants to fix the issues with women’s for the many men they will share their lil beavers with over their lifetime.  My purpose isn't to offend the few clean-smelling women out there with the crude suggestion that EVERY vagina in the USA gushes with foul, gelatinous, swordfishlike discharges.

Only far too many of them,  I do feel, way down in my nose hairs, that this country faces a Cunt Crisis: Our streets are littered with good girls-honest girls-walking around smelling like octopii. Vaginal odor ruins romance and fosters much distrust between the sexes. Few things dampen an amorous male's affection more than the rank, odiferous stench of a woman who has degraded herself through poor hygienic practices. Many bright, well-meaning gals have seen their love lives dashed to pieces because their genitals' pungency suggested unhealthful habits and debauchery. Can these women be saved? Sure, but first they must be scrubbed. And disinfected. And schooled in methods of blunting their natural offensiveness.

To understand vaginal odor, you must first understand the vagina itself. The foul truth is that every woman carries a potential stink-bomb between her legs. 

Now check your Pussy if you smell it then you should think why do I stink?